Every month I get these emails from an author who was a student at Grace College & Seminary while I worked there. His name is Kary Oberbrunner and he’s got a new book coming out this month entitled The Fine Line. This video really spoke to me because it is what I desire to be – a transformist – not one who has not isolated himself from culture or one who has become so closely identified with it than no one can see a difference. Walking the fine line is not an easy thing, and often I find myself straying back toward the separatist side of things (my religious roots) more often than I like to admit. But there is something that is always drawing me back to the place of balance, and for me, books like Kary’s are much needed to ask questions, probe, push and pull me to examine my life and where I walk. So when I got the email a couple days ago, I came across this excerpt and it rocked me because I have been here. I have done this.
“Every guy knows the rule.
You can talk about someone’s lack of athleticism, humor, or even intellect, but you never disrespect his girlfriend. A couple of years ago, I gave in. I broke the rule and badmouthed someone else’s girl. I was sitting in a coffee shop with a few of my buddies, and we started talking about a guy we all knew. We liked him, a lot. He was our friend. But his girl annoyed the heck out of us, and the negativity started to fly.
Ripping on this girl felt good because it helped to separate us from her. After all, nobody wants to be associated with a loser. And we were clearly associated with her. She had been part of our lives since we were kids. Most of us had even fallen in love with her at one point or another. Maybe that’s why we started throwing around the comments—we were insecure or hurt. I walked away from the coffee shop that night feeling pretty low. Although the conversation had been entertaining, I still felt convicted.
But the next week my buddies and I started to talk about our friend’s girl again. Only this time it was more intense. Mild dislike soon devolved into hatred. We started telling stories about how this girl offended us. She didn’t dress well or talk right. The music she liked was old and stuffy. But our main gripe was her looks. Put simply, she was as ugly as a dog. It was an ugliness that could be seen on the outside and the inside. Her entire look was outdated and irrelevant. She just didn’t fit in, and none of us wanted to be around her. We were ashamed to admit that we even knew her, much less that we used to hang out with her.
This went on for several months. And then it got worse. More people knew this girl than I first thought. At parties on the weekends it almost became an opening line—talking about this girl. I met more people than I can remember just by communicating my dislike for her. I had the lines memorized and my timing perfect. People howled as I told story after story about how ridiculous this girl was.
Then I ran into her guy.
I didn’t expect to see him. I just kind of bumped into him one day. As soon as I saw him, I realized how much I missed him. I didn’t even remember the last time I’d seen him. But my delight quickly changed to deep embarrassment. I could hardly even look at him.
He stood and looked me in the eye. “Why, Kary?” he asked quietly. “How could you talk about her like that?”
I could sense how much he loved her, and he could sense how much I hated her. His question bored a hole right through me. Why did I hate her so much? What had she ever done to me? Suddenly all my well-rehearsed insults and petty gripes seemed pretty trivial.
I dropped to my knees—I couldn’t help it. “Jesus,” I said to this guy, “I’m sorry I spoke about your bride, the church like that.”
Are you?”
My gosh! I have been this guy. I can’t tell you how many times I have sat in conversations talking about people in the name of “ministry” all the while tearing them down with my words. And even the times when I have not have joined in, I have sat and said nothing and wound up stewing about not saying anything for the rest of the night. It wasn’t right, and I knew it! But I’m willing to guess that most of us have all been here at one time or another. And some of us have even been the girl. My prayer is, God, let my words be words of life and hope. May I not tear people down with my tongue, but may I be an uplifter and an encourager.May I bring hope and love with what I say and how I live.
So buy the book. I know I am going to.
I feel like I have just been punched in the gut. Man, does that one hurt! I have been that guy way too many times. Thanks for the reminder of just how powerful our words are. I would love for you to teach this sometime in January, let me know.
That was excellent!
Oh i love this, this is such good stuff!
It makes me want to press upward in the Lord.
That is the friendship i covet.
Bless you buddy! 🙂
This is hard….in an effort to love, I wonder when “talking” about other people, is a loving way or tearing them down? What would you say is the difference?
I have struggled with this a lot cause I do think walking through stuff with people means getting advice from others as well as learning how to rely on God alone and confront the person individually.
I do know the heart, YES, even the “Christian” heart, is deceitful above all else….makes this a sticky situation.
pray for me….for us…about this.
Casey – I understand where you are coming from on that because I too have sought advice about talking to a person. I think the line is crossed when it goes from getting godly counsel to bashing the person or even being particularly negative about them. If my heart is for them – to help them – then I don’t think that speaking badly of them fits my heart.
Right, I agree, but what is “speaking negatively about them?” Example…
“Man, I am having a really hard time with Dan. I see him really talking badly to his wife and kids. He seems to blow up, especially after work. How do you think I should talk to him about it? Do you think this is something I am blowing out of proportion? I mean, everyone gets mad sometimes, right? ….etc
When I reread above I feel like it is talking negatively about him, but I still see the root being about helping him and help him to continue to sin against his family no longer.
I do wonder if a big bulk of “gossiping” or tearing someone down is evidenced by our attempts to talk with the person. If I only speak to other people about it, I think that is a definite red flag. If I talk to other people and that drives me to speak to them about it, it would seem like caring…
Hey Casey and Josh. I thought I’d get in on this one because it’s a hot topic and a great discussion. I’ve found that I walk away from conversations feeling better when I hide the identity of the individual and do not disclose the offense that was committed.
For example in the above conversation, I would try and say it like this:
“Man, I am having a really hard time with someone recently. A lot of what I see is really destructive and I don’t know how to approach it. How do you approach situations like these? How do you check yourself when it feels like everything is blown out of proportion? I mean, everyone gets mad sometimes, right?
It’s not perfect, but it keeps the identity hidden and poses the questions in a discussion, third-party format that isn’t specific. Sometimes the key or answer comes out in the discussion. “I’ve found coming into a situation assuming my conclusion is not completely informed helps me get perspective on…” Most times, I don’t need to know who or what to give an advice on how. Basic understandings or descriptions may assist the advice but anything that compromises my neutral position is a hazard. Sometimes it’s just someone who is letting off steam in the name of “processing”.
Know what I mean?
David,
I like what you and said it is a great way to approach the situation.
I think it is a bit more difficult to do this when DAILY living together and each and everyone’s issues are known so even leaving the name out, but talking about an issue would easily illuminate a person. ;
On another note, I wonder why “we” all have such a hard time with people “talking” about us.? It presents two things…1) if I trust this person is caring for me, as well as the party/parties to whom they are “talking,” I should feel completely comfortable with others talking about me. 2) If I do NOT trust their hearts for me, then THAT is something to be “talked” about.
I think a lot of times the “avoidance” of revealing issues blatantly(in a caring way, of course) is a way for us to hide in our fear of being exposed and not loved….which is the basis of this who problem/conversation