What is the deal with the newspaper headlines here in Elkhart. All summer long it was hotter than blazes. The grass was dying and brown and crunchy underfoot. For weeks I did not even mow. Then Mr. Ike appears and we have a few days of steady rain. All of a sudden, the headlines are screaming, “Enough with the rain! We want to live ON the lake not IN it.” What in the world? I say! I know flooding is bad and annoying (I had to clean up the old VFC building from some basement flooding), but for heaven’s sake, we had no rain all summer! I, for one, was loving the rain. Life returned – thick green grass and perky leaves.
And on a completely unrelated but also ranting topic…
I am what you might call a follically challenged and mass-ly challenged guy. That’s a nice way to say I am skinny and losing my hair. However, why do people feel the need to point this out? As if it is not rude to say, “Gosh you are a twig.” I mean, in our society it is very impolite to say, “Mercy, woman, you look like a bloated cow!” But the same is not true of remarks about being skinny. A friend of mine even said that I was scrawny! Ouch! It might be true, but still, c’mon! And then, if you are losing your hair… oh gosh, you are suddenly open game for all kinds of comments said, “all in good fun” of course. But the good fun often … isn’t. Again, it’s one of those double standards. Many would not like it if I were to make comments about their weight, or horrible taste in clothing or hairstyles that do not fit them, but they feel no hesitation in commenting about my lack of mass or hair. Interesting isn’t it. I guess that is why we have to remember to treat people like we would want to be treated. The hard part is not snapping back with the “perfect” comeback that would be cutting and harsh. God is always dealing with me about my tongue, and I have really improved in that area, but learning to love and be a life giver and life speaker is what I am after here.
so if I said you had cricket sticks, you’d be mad?
Okay, just disclaimering (sorry for the made-up word); this will be long-winded (what better way to reply to a rant than with your very own rant…. right?):
First things first. I am 100% with you about the grumbling-about-the-rain thing. I have been learning many things in my CT adventure, and one thing I am beginning to realize is that human beings, fundamentally, like to complain. A lot. And, I, of course, couldn’t back this up with any kind of theology (merely my own opinion semi-based on biblical reference), but sometimes I feel like it’s okay. Of course there’s a difference between grumblin’ ’cause you’re frustrated and actually having it be a -status- of the heart. I look to the Psalms so frequently; over and over again I am astounded– I mean absolutely floored– by David’s openness and honesty and vulnerability before God. I think it could be easy for people to use this as an excuse to be viciously open to the point of detriment, but really, what it all boils down to is heart-based. Really.
What frustrates me really is this: So many people spend so much *energy* on simply whining about what they don’t have. I mean, I have seen people absolutely *waste* themselves miserating (another made-up word) over lack, and yet, when there is an abundance, it is even worse! How perplexing of humans to a) not know the very nature of what it is they are asking for b) grumble about what they don’t got, and keep on grumbling when they got in. Just more proof that satisfaction, true and utter fulfillment cannot come from “stuff”, even in the form of necessary things (such as rain, oxygen, etc). Nope, that’s all gotta come from higher up.
As for the second paragraph, I am going to be absolutely blunt. In my character growth-spurt out here, I have come to have absolutely no tolerance for negativity via ragging on someone else. My hypothesis is that many people have come to blow this off as a “oh-that’s-just-how-we-love” kinda thing (when I first came out to CT, you wouldn’t BELIEVE how many times someone said to me “Oh, you just don’t understand Connecticut sarcasm” blah blah blah. Sarcasm or not, comedic or not, I still have a point to make somewhere…) And you know, I’m not going to judge that or argue it or whatever. All I’m going to say is that, in my own personal life, in no way EVER has this ever made me feel loved, accepted, appreciated, or cared for in ANY way. I think what needs to be done is a serious sit-down-and-think-it-out by the human race in general.
I find it appalling to no end that people these days consider it not only normal and perfectly acceptable, but a sign of *affection* to make fun. To this, I must ask: At what cost is the humor? Even if an individual, let’s call him Joe– Even if Joe responded to the pokin’-at in a positive way, it by no means reflects the -inner- damage that he may be suffering. Joe may smile and even laugh on the outside, but oh! On the inside he is training himself without even realizing it, to get into a crippling, circling, vicious mentality of actually believing what is spoken over him.
Truth of the matter is this: Words have unprecedented, unfathomable power. Human beings are extraordinarily sensual beings. Even in a joking matter, words that are spoken to, about, etc, etc to anyone will sink in. And, again, in my experience, it is the inner battle that is the most traumatizing and intense, the most damaging. It is the whispers in the night that are hard to tune out..
So, in the long run, whatever the subject matter is, if it’s tearing someone else down, it ain’t Jesus. And if it ain’t Jesus, I certainly don’t want to fall into the habit of viewing it as acceptable or pleasurable.
On the subject of ranting: I think it is a huge stride forward. Like I said earlier, there is a difference between hiding and tact. For so long I have catered to the belief that I must walk around mostly editing all the time. If people really knew how much I’m struggling, then ‘d think I’m not really a full-out, hard-core Jesus-lover that I really am. I was so afraid of judgment. And it’s not all external influences that kept me in that bondage, it was definitely a HUGE internal battle as well– it was a humbling discovery indeed to realize that most of the things that kept me paralyzed were lies that I had allowed to circulate and play dictator. So when it comes to becoming vulnerable and real, I am all for it. People’s opinions come and go and change with the tide. There’s always going to be people who disagree, or agree, or whatever– but it’s an individual thing when it comes to transparency. It’s not like that means walking around with your heart hanging out for everyone to poke at with a stick… it just means not hiding behind ambiguity and romanticizing everything.
When in war, it is common to get muddy, bloody, and despondent. David was not afraid to be exposed before God, and in fact, it delighted God. That’s all the encouragement I need. 🙂
/End rant.
P.S. In a vain kind-of-way, it makes me really happy that this title was for me. 😀
Also, it amused me how many red marks were showing in your automatic-you-spelled-that-word-wrong thingy. It was Sophomore English all over again. 😛
Gracie, now that was an awesome rant!
And another thing… never ask a girl if she’s pregnant (EVER) and never tell a pregnant women, “Wow, you’re really looking big.”
This sort of reminds me of the famed “All I Ever Really Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” by Robert Fulghum (www.elliottsamazing.com/kindergarden). Well, I’d like to add, “keep your hands, feet & opinions to yourself.”
I wonder if the deeper point is still being missed. I think, ALONG with the idea that we shouldn’t be saying these things to people, is to ask a question of ourselves….
“Why does it “destroy” me when people do make comments about personal things in me?”
Just as bad as what people are doing by “joking” with people is the reaction that has permeated our school system to where we no longer can say ANYTHING negative about someone PERSONALLY!
BOTH extremes are horrific and damaging. I just wanted to call our attention to the latter because I can already see this discussion moving toward one extreme…; in my view, of course.
Sorry, lost my original point…
It is a fact I am going bald…why does it bother me so much for that to be pointed out?
two question should be asked….
1)why does said person think it funny that I am going bald to joke about it?
Probable answer: Something with the fact that going bald in our society is considered a “weak” trait and this person attempts to feel “stronger” by pointing out our “weakness.” Usually what joking or sarcasm attempts to do…passive-aggressive way of hurting someone else. We all know it isn’t so passive.
2) Why does it really hurt me to have “weaknesses” pointed out or made fun of?
Probable answer: I am a prideful “independent-appearing” person and this comment dishonors and exposes who I want to HIDE that I am…WEAK and FRAGILE.
I defer to Paul…”2 Cor 12:9″…I wish I could be at this place as I am not, but this is my race to run….I look forward to victory “on that day.”
I remember Jesus as He was tempted by Satan in Matthew 4…His pride was assaulted…He was not hurt, He KNEW who He was…
I think this is the foundation of our struggle.
again, BOTH questions need to be discussed. A lack of either “misses the mark” and this s the definition of “sin.”
I am humbled….
Josh, you ARE skinny and going bald, but ever since I have known you your HEART is about God’s business and you inspire me. Thanks.
I am always amazed when people say insensitive things to people in a joking way. I was with someone who is balding and someone who was quite large said something about his being bald. I couldn’t believe what came out of his mouth. Now this was not someone who was a friend but an acquaintance. I wonder if they feel insecure about themselves that they have to invalidate someone else. I guess I am old fashioned but I was brought up with ” if you can say something nice don’t say anything at all”. I am a very opinionated person and can say my what I think and have deep conversations with friends but I would never knowingly insult them to their face. Everyone has flaws. Just my little pet peeve and rant.
Casey- That was actually something I meant to bring up, but got lost in the voluminousness of my ranting. However, my perspective is a little different than yours.
I agree with you: It is the responsibility and absolutely imperative for the wounded individual, when prompted by teasing, or even a comment in passing, to question inwardly. To the find the source of pain is vital!
Again, words undeniably have power over the human spirit. Stomp on a flower long enough, and it is inevitably crushed. Thankfully, the human spirit has far more resiliency than a flower, but the metaphor remains true. If negativity is spoken to an individual over and over again, chances are said individual will begin to develop emotions that fall into line with other’s opinions. It’s just what happens.
However! I, again, believe that it is vital to self-growth and emotional maturity and healing for the internal questions to be asked. Why DOES this hurt me? What does it make me believe about myself? Where does that come from?
It is the journey of *truth* that is the most brutal.
I do disagree on one level. I don’t think, subconsciously or otherwise, that the vast majority of people who “cut” others down really mean it to build themselves up. Whether or not this is the ending result varies. I think it’s something that, lately, happens without much thought because it’s become habit and not only socially *acceptable*, but it means that you are clever, etc etc. It is something to pursue.
This flabbergasts me. Really.
Pointing out the flaws, however minute, in others should not ever be acceptable or pleasing. The way I see it, this is just another way that the enemy has sneaked into our mind-set and helped us to believe we are loving, when in actuality that’s not love at all.
(Disclaimer: When I think about it, I am a black-and-white kind of person. So when I make a statement or form an opinion, it is usually on only one side of the debate, or extreme in any case. I’m not trying to stand here on a soap-box and say “All teasing is wrong! Brimstone and hellfire at ye sinners!” In fact, the reason I -can- be so passionate about this is that I have had to do a huge amount of reflecting at the wickedness of my own tongue. The point I’m trying to make is that I have seen hearts absolutely crushed by this socially acceptable behavior and it breaks my heart.)
Also, to those that tend to point out flaws in others, even in a joking matter, I think it should be encouraged for those individuals to ask questions internally as well. Why, even in jest, do I highlight potential weaknesses in others? Etc etc.
/End rant because I ran out of time, mostly.
Random note: I just realized, while at a different computer, apparently it isn’t a nifty editor in your (Joshua) coding, it was my browser. Now I feel silly.
Also: See what happens when you open up yourself to a good ole’ fashioned rant? It often encourages others to let their voices be heard as well. 😉
Gracie: Great thoughts to you as well…
I think it is not so much about pointing out personally negative things to people…it is HOW one does it. When it is done in a joking or sarcastic manner it is not for the others benefit, mostly. If I cared about the person, I would say it in care and hope that it benefits his or her life.
My first thought, going bald is not unhealthy, nor is hair on my head something that really affects anything…so no need to point it out. On another side, one COULD make a case for being over-weight…am I pointing it out to hurt the person or help. HOW I do it says a lot about where my heart is. The heart is really what we seem to be trying to get at here.
I have said in the past, and still think I believe so, that anytime I am joking or personally sarcastic towards SOMEONE, it is not for their benefit. Now, joking about the weather or being sarcastic about general human interaction is not “hurting” someone. Where is it pointed? That is the question.
I am still waiting for Josh to pipe in….you know you love to share your thoughts…and I like it when you do too.
Casey – Your comment was really cool man. Made my day! Thanks.
Casey, i am smack dab in the center stage with the teaching for my daughter on the very issue you are clarifying . . . sarcasm.
When is it ok and when is it not ok?
Is it coarse jesting or not?
Your response is great! I am agreeing wholeheartedly!
In my home, we are not to direct it at SOMEONE because it lends itself to hurt feelings. But sarcasm has humor when it is about SOMETHING.
I guess it is a line we all have to draw with our own discernment and conviction.
You put it well. 🙂
I love that we agree…I HOPE we can put it into our lives as well…. I feel your daughter, although maybe not understanding now, will be thankful for your love one day. God give you Him….
My family likes to tease, and it’s usually about some shortcoming the target has. I’ve often been hurt by my family’s teasing, but I didn’t want them to feel like they had to walk on eggshells around me because I said something about it. Instead I’ve been focusing on why it bothers me, and seeking healing from God. I’ve found that a lot of what they say to me now… doesn’t bother me anymore.
Because of my experiences, I’ve always tried to not be mean to people. However it was pointed out a few years ago that being too blunt or lacking tact when talking with people, can be just as damaging as being out and out mean. My heart was in the right place, but delivery wasn’t so good.
More prayer and a few years later…. On something serious, I stop, pray, and ask God what the best way is to approach the person. I figured out that I just don’t have enough information to know how on my own, so I go to the One who does know.
If I’m being silly with someone, I try not to be silly over anything to do with that person directly. So if they were bald, or overweight, or very thin, or whatever…. I leave that stuff alone. There are a few people I know that joke about themselves in regards to hair, weight, etc…. However, sometimes I get the feeling they’re just trying to beat the rest of the world to the punch. Kind of like putting up a “I’m tough you can’t bother me with your comments” type of face.
I try (try is the right word, don’t always accomplish) and give every person I meet at least one honest compliment. Even the cashier at the store or the ticket seller at the theater. I know it won’t change the world, but spreading a smile and a little happiness isn’t going to hurt either.
Anyways… I know this is a repeat of what you’all said already, just wanted to add my two cents as well. 🙂