Further Thoughts on Death & Loss

Yesterday was the viewing and today was the burial. I don’t really care for funerals. It is said that they are an important part of the grieving process and that it is closure. Even though I am a person who needs closure on issues, I am conflicted about this one. Mainly, I feel that I don’t want to remember the person in the casket like that – fake looking, lifeless. When that spark of life leaves you, all that remains is your shell… and that is not you. Your essence – your spirit – is gone. And seeing Troy that way yesterday and today – it wasn’t him at all. It didn’t look like him, it was just his shell. All the things that made him who he was were missing. The smile, the laughter, the LIFE. There is so much finality when the casket is lowered into the ground and the shovels of dirt cover it. That is when you know it is really done. There is no coming back from that.

I remember feeling this way when my Grandma Pemrick died just a few years ago. The person I saw lying there in that casket was not her. She was so full of life and love. And that is how I remember her. I don’t want to remember the lifeless person I last saw, but I will always remember the wonderful smile and all the great things that we all loved about her. It’s funny the things you do remember about someone – my two most vivid memories of Gram were going to see Sister Act with her in Florida and how much we laughed together and one day on the lake, her jumping in the water and riding the tube behind the boat. That was my Gram.

So today, seeing Troy there like that brought back so many thoughts about death and the way we do death here. I think I want a party. Loud praise music with a big band, good grilled chicken, and big bowls of rice in a big pavilion outside. No somber music and dark suits please… I want people to be at ease, to celebrate with me because all I am doing is changing addresses for a little while. And that, is something definitely worth celebrating.